Ankylosing spondylitis

And life goes on….

I have so much on my plate and I don’t know where to begin… I have been working on so many articles and none of them are even close to being finished. Then there is my life, which I try to keep separate from my reality… does that make any sense? My family came to visit starting last Friday with mom and daughter along with two grand-kids. The weather in Denver was atrocious, flight delays coming and going. My son finally got in early afternoon on Saturday but my poor sister had to spend the night and the next day in Denver waiting for a flight out. She finally got here on Sunday, after mom and daughter left to go back home…. not much of a reunion for my son who just got back from Afghanistan in January after being gone for 9 months…

dad

On the way home from picking up my sister my mom called to let us know that my father committed suicide. When something happens like this it makes you wonder “when you are sick, is choosing your own outcome a way of ending your misery?” My father started getting sick last year after buying a new trailer to live in. I think he got so bad he didn’t want to put his family through the pain of taking care of him. He chose to end his life because he saw no alternative. I know I have gotten to the point sometimes when the pain is so bad that I want to end it, but then I think “this too shall pass”. A lot of us with AS go through periods of depression, I know I do. Then there is the constant pain that never really seems to go away. Should we just end it? Put ourselves out of our own misery?

As much as I can say I understand what my father did, I cannot see myself doing something as ending my own life. I know I was given this disease for a reason and the challenges I face daily just makes me a stronger more empathetic person. On those days when I think I cannot go any further I know I can push myself to do it another day. We all have challenges and we all have to strive to make the best of every day.

“Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life.
I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss,
or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have – life itself.”

Walter Anderson

14 replies »

  1. Oh, I am so sorry!!!!!!!! So many thoughts going through my mind…I guess I can only say that you, your father and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. I will be thinking of you–

  2. Joyce, I don’t even know what to say… First, you are in my prayers. Second I admire you so much for your outlook and perspective. Thank you for this post, I am deeply touched by your thoughts today.

    • Normally don’t talk about these things but it seems like more and more of us are affected by circumstances beyond our control and living with a disease puts a lot of us in these situations… Thanks for your kind words.

  3. Oh I am so terribly sorry, my heart hurts for you and all your loved ones. Just know people far away will be sending you strength and prayers for brighter days.

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